Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Greetings from New Orleans - Pictures coming later

Hey yall --

So after two days Zach and I feel like we should shed light on some of our cultural observations made since being here in NOLA.

So without further ado:

The Top Ten Things that are Confusing to a Person Raised in NOLA, but who finds himself elsewhere:

1. When you order a drink and ask "Bartender, I'd like that to go." Um no. You can't do that. And no, tape over the straw hole won't get you past the open container laws (exception -- Igloos in College Station, at least when I lived there). You cannot order a drink and then stumble outside the bar to walk the streets with your beer, cocktail, or frozen miracle. America does not embrace this. We are sorry. No. We are really sorry. It seems fine to us. We would be on board with a campaign to fix this travesty.

2. It's not acceptable to roll an ice chest along the streets. In any other city, town, or settlement, the poooo-lice will not look kindly upon you rolling your one-man bar across the town square. Number two on our countdown also served as the inspiration for Zach's and my new business venture -- ice chests disguised as rolling suitcases. Just think, you could safely transport your three piece suit AND your case of beer to all locations. Minors everywhere, take note. We should have a prototype ready in early 2011.

3. When you say "Who dat" don't be confused if people start introducing themselves. "Who dat." "Um, it's Paige...Paige Smyth?"

4. When you say "Who dat" repeatedly, don't expect other people (including me and Zach) to be able to repeat any of the numerous acceptable responses. We don't know them. We will just smile and say "Who dat?" Which doesn't have the same gusto attached.

5. Throwing cheap plastic at women will not inspire them to show you their titties. You're actually going to be lucky if you don't get socked in the face. Good luck. We salute you.

6. Cats are not allowed to drink from people's drinks on the bar. They are scary. They make me itch. They carry leukemia.*

7. Abita is not God's gift to beer. Ouch. I know.

8. Forty degrees isn't actually "f*cking cold." Seriously, it's February. If you find yourself anywhere north of the Mason Dixon, I hope you don't freeze to death.**

9. It won't be acceptable to charge for food, no matter how good it smells or tastes, if you serve it in Walgreens plastic bags -- especially if you aren't working at a Walgreens. PS -- we love you, it was delicious.

10. All drinks you ever have from this point forward will be approximately a third of the strength to which you're accustomed.***

Also our favorite "Things overheard at dinner" quotes:

"I've known her forever. I bought that there girl her first corn dog."

"Fine. I'm wearing my leather pants...F*ck it."

*Dogs are entirely acceptable as they do not hop on bars, drink from peoples glasses, and are just better animals in general.

**Also noteworthy, if you are Christy Blain, NOT of NOLA, this still applies.

***True in all but two cases: 1) You only drink slushies sold on Bourbon for an ungodly mark-up (we're still not sure there was any alcohol in them) or 2) You are the one man/woman/child in New Orleans who refuses to drink anything but NW IPAs (we haven't found you yet, but if you're out there, we love you and want you to be our BFF).


  1. Paige: Who bought you YOUR first corn dog??

  2. Dude. I'm pretty much a popsicle at this point. Put a stick in me, I'm froze.

    I wish I could be there with you guys because I have no idea how you were capable of finding the one expensive non-alcoholic bar on Bourbon.

    Betcha I can tell you where you got dem shoes! 20 bucks! (from Tommy)

  3. All I can say is that I loved NOLA. But did get quite tired of hearing "Who Dat?" but was too scared of not answering since it was Super Bowl night so just said, "Who Dat?" back. That seemed to calm the natives. So you are off to FL. Be safe and give me a call. Love you two!

  4. Oh, and some people would say you two are "beer snobs". Just saying.....

  5. I will sign your open container law petition and will then be a frequent guest at every daiquiri cart that will spring up between Gresham and Hillsboro. Because I myself got very, very drunk on those "slushies" last time I was in NOLA (helped that it was 800 degrees) and would like to repeat that experience all summer long kthx.

  6. awesome post - Zach, you should definitely write a book on all this, be the next Hunter Thompson (of course, that would require a LOT more drinking...and possibly the acquisition of at least 1 firearm)

  7. From Tommy (who was unable to comment on his own):

    Also a side note for #10 - All seafood you ever have from this point forward will be 1/3 the goodness to which you are accustomed.